OLD:
Raleigh’s discovery was a catalogue to sell the land to his audience as a good means to new resources and gain respect to go about on the land. Resources were the number one priority, and one certain discovery was of great importance. The crystal mountain was not only beautiful and of crystal but “it appeared like a white church” (406). The church was extremely important during this time period, and with Raleigh seeing a mountain as a crystal church-like structure, he was using the greed and lust for precious stones and the religious assimilation to sweeten the idea of the actual site. By mentioning a church, Raleigh was having his audience imagine a land worthy for civilization whereas he was imagining an opportunity to riches. Precious stones had an impact because the more stones, the more riches and the more riches led to more authority.
NEW:
Raleigh's discovery was a catalogue, INSIGHTFUL AND PERSUASIVE, to sell the land to his audience-- INVESTORS AND LANDOWNERS-- as a good means to new resources and gain respect to go about on the land. Resources were the number one priority, and one certain discovery was of great importance, THE VALUE HIGH. BEING NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL AND OF CRYSTAL, THE CRYSTAL MOUNTAIN "appeared like a white church" (406). The church was extremely important during this time period, and with Raleigh seeing a mountain as a crystal, church-like structure, he USED the greed and lust for precious stones and the religious assimilation to sweeten the idea of the actual site. By mentioning a church, RALEIGH'S AUDIENCE COULD IMAGINE a land worthy for civilization whereas he was imagining an opportunity to riches. THERE WAS AN IMPACT BY THE STONES because the more stones, the more riches and the more riches led to more authority.
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So Kasie first off I'd like to say you did a great job with using all the brush strokes. But I have one critique: you didnt put which one was what. Which is fine because it gave me practice. haha. But the only one i wasnt sure you had was the participles. I was specifically looking for an "ing" word which I did not see. I really liked your adjectives out of order, and your appositive was very smooth. I'm not very good with transitive words for some reason but it seemed to me yours were "used" and "impact." Overall I thought your examples were great and they really enhanced your piece.
ReplyDeleteTechnically, you do have one participle phrase:
ReplyDeleteBEING NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL AND OF CRYSTAL, THE CRYSTAL MOUNTAIN "appeared like a white church" (406).
But it's kinda clunky, dontcha think?
I'm guessing that you meant this one as your example of passive voice:
THERE WAS AN IMPACT BY THE STONES
No--there is/there are constructions are called expletives. Active/passive voice only applies to transitive verbs in S-V-O sentences.
We'll talk more about noun absolutes today.
Keep playing with these strokes! They really gave this short piece texture and rhythm.